i wonder

i wonder, how often do you think of me?

is it every time you breathe and my mouth is not there to inhale a small sliver of your soul?

or is it every time you look up and your gaze is not met with my eyelashes brushing gently against your cheek?

or maybe it is every time your lips curl up into a smile and there is no one there to laugh at your crooked teeth.

or perhaps it is every time you furrow your brow in frustration and i am not there to smoothen your forehead with a kiss.

i wonder, do you even notice that i am no longer there?

or if when you breathe now, your lungs flutter with sighs of relief.

or if when you look up, all you see is clarity where mist once clouded your judgment -- your every thought.

or if when every time you smile, it is of release and of the realization that this is what you've always wanted -- to be alone.

or if when you furrow your brow, it is in genuine confusion as to why it took you so long to get here.

i wonder, how often do you regret the life i so terribly miss?

I might be leaving tonight but want to make sure you're okay first

i stared into your eyes in the dimly lit shadow of my bedroom and saw you for the first time since we've met. our foreheads pressed together and our breaths shaking in the space between us, our hearts thudding unsteadily to the intricate rhythms of nervousness. in those bright oceans i saw a thousand lifetimes with you, countless journeys to be had.

you were dreaming when i woke, whimpers escaping your unconscious throat like a frightened song, your arms reaching for me, pulling me closer, even in the nothingness of you. i thought to myself, this is how i want every morning to begin -- everyday, with you. 

"hello," you said, and then you kissed me. everything fell into place, in the early morning light of ours. spells are broken every second, but this i'd like to keep, only if you'll let me.

7/18/16, 4:30pm

You loved me like the monsoon loved the insignificant suburban town at mid afternoon in the heart of July. A sudden, steady intensity, a deliberate, blinding love, with thousands of droplets roaring the same simple promise of Forever. Thick with the heat of passion, dense with the sanctity of happy ever after. The world turns white, contained in a violent storm of Now. We are encapsulated in the fervor of Eternity, never wavering under the pillars of thundercloud strength.

I cannot see anything but this moment, you and I, our hearts beating in time to the brutal pitter patter of downpour. Time has stopped as we breathe to the rhythm of the growling grey skies, and of each other. I am suffocated by the humidity of your words, yet I grapple to breathe in more. I struggle to remember a life outside of this propitious, silver whirlwind. I don’t think I want to.

We could have only been evoked by a rain dance, the final resort of a man desperate for love. The universe has worked so hard for us to be, yet in an instant, we are gone—you, are gone. The trees have surrendered their wooden thrones, and the sidewalks guiltily reek of a damp, forgotten romance. Zeus watches, mouth agape, bewildered and inexplicably wounded. When the Sun finally reveals itself again, we dazzle in the specks of flint sparking in the concrete, begging to be remembered. The storm has passed, and nothing is the same.

97 In Between

We parted ways at the center clock

With small embraces

And mumbled exchanges

Sauntering to our numbered platforms

Looking back for a moment

Reluctant yet relieved.

As I stepped onto my train

Whisked away back again

To a sleepy one horse town

I began to wonder

About all the things I didn't say:

Was he closer to his father

Or his mother?

Was he scared of being swallowed whole

In a school of 30,000

Or would he navigate gracefully

Through the crowds of people

Trying their best to make sense of it all

Just like him?
Even though he swears he’s not a messy eater

How many times a day

Does he stain his baby blue button down

With mint chocolate chip ice cream?

Does he watch them splash around

Darting his eyes from left to right

For the money

Or something

Deeper

And bigger

Than all of us?

Why finance?

Does it make his heart sing,

And would he ever consider Wall Street?

What goes on

In that beautiful mind 

As he sits quietly in a corner

With an empty beer can in hand

Waiting for someone to notice him?

Did he know he was the first time

I looked at novelty with eagerness;

Something other than spite?

And lastly,

Did he know

On the subway ride home

Back to 42^nd

Where I discovered

That the crook of his arm

Was a place I fit perfectly

That this was the last time?
Did he know it was the end

To something that had not yet begun

Or does he too,

Wonder

About all the things he didn't say?

Replies of Chloride

It makes me wonder

With every bitter word you say to me now

If the love I poured into your soul

Still burns on your tongue

With the pungent aftertaste 

Of defeat and loss and deliberate departure

And if

With every word I say back to you

Snide remarks made of useless blades

Dulled by the numbing pain of goodbye

The hairs still stand on the back of your neck

Like the first time I ever told you I loved you

Or if we’ve gotten rid of it all

and bleached each other out

stains of Love on our white satin solitude

Immune to the harshness of our voices

Raw with anger and the unspoken truth

That this wasn’t how it was supposed to end.

76 Framed

I look through the photographs of you and me

And my soul aches for that time

When I was yours and you were mine

But not for the reasons that you may think

I ache for a time where belief was alive

and Love rang through the air

a poignant blanket draped across the city

tucking our troubles away into a lullaby

warming our chilled hearts with the hum of forever

I ache for a time where all I could grieve

was the thought that we were not doing enough

with the magic that radiated in the spaces between our fingers

meandering through our bloodstreams

nestling its way gently between the tiny gaps of

I 

Love 

You

I ache for when I could see an entire lifetime in your eyes

and every crinkle and grayness was a sign

of strength and the pillars of our everlasting love

Stood tall with certainty and ambition

I ache for the nights where you would hold me

and the darkness would swallow us whole 

summersaulting with passion... and faith.. and trust

and the silences pulled us closer in a solemn hymn of eternity

I look through the photographs of you and me

and I fear that I will never be able to feel that deeply ever again

that I have grown numb to the mysteries of Love

and willingly turn a blind eye to all She has to offer

My soul aches for a time that is trapped in pictures

A time that cannot be replicated with lovers whose hearts are housed in the future

A depth that puts the endless secrets of the oceans to shame

A bountifulness that makes Eve wish she had not fall victim to that moment of fate

There have been fables

and there have been tales
told by our ancestors
and homeless men on the street

warning us not to fall

not to surrender

and feel it all

Because nothing will ever prepare you
for the self destruction

and the pity

and the pain that comes along

with knowing that something 

so overwhelmingly brilliant

can be yours

only to be felt once

and suddenly,
never at all.

Pulp Fiction

You say let's chalk it up

and blame it on the drunkenness,

but a part of me wants to believe

that this was meant to happen.

We were supposed to find ourselves

drunk on whiskey on a rainy

Wednesday summer afternoon,

our foreheads touching as we 

drunkenly giggle at the idea of us,

with our faces lit up by the faint glow

of Pulp Fiction on the TV screen,

and me begging you with my eyes

to kiss me.

And we never even got to finish

that damn movie

or find out what happens next;

I guess we were too busy

writing our own story

that we'll chalk up tomorrow

and blame on the drunkenness.

It's All Fun and Games

Your NFL team won tonight, and I couldn’t help but smile and congratulate you in my head. Smile about your adamant belief that if you wear their jersey five minutes before the end of the game, you’ll help them win. Smile about how hard you kissed me when they did. Smile about how when I asked you why you root for them when you’ve never even been to Colorado, you replied that as a little kid, you liked the colors of their uniforms: a vibrant orange and a navy blue. And it just stuck. Now you’re theirs forever.

I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m jealous of them.

Because somehow, falling asleep in each other’s arms every Sunday night turned out to be a ritual far too difficult and complicated to follow. Somehow, kissing me with other eyes watching became too strange. Somehow, even though you swore that the color of my boring brown eyes is your favorite, you’ve decided that you’re tired of looking into them. Somehow, it’s easier to commit to a bunch of burly men who have no idea you exist than to a girl who has forgotten what it’s like to exist without you.

Remember When?

Booze, buzz, and sticky floors

You love me but I love you more

Dressed up like the adults we pretend to be,

But we’re just children, you and me.

Darkened room and tortured heat

The last thing I want is to admit defeat 

You say you can’t, so I say I will

That’s what you do for love, yourself you kill

Tiny buttons and silver doors

Who would’ve known what was in store?
I loved you most, that I know

Because it were you, you wouldn’t have let me go.

We had so much more of us ahead,

At least the next four is what you said.

But then you realized that we weren’t that strong,

That a love like this couldn’t last that long

We built a life we thought we’d live together

Silly us, to even think of believing in forever

Now we know to take a closer look

Reality: It never happens like it does in the books.

You were my prince, I thought you knew

But even that was never good enough for you.

You never stopped to think or even second guess

What would become of such a mess.

I thought I lost my lifelong friend,

But you were just a lesson to be learned—a generous lend

And now I’m just left to pretend 

That you are more than just a “Remember when?”